


Love's a Game

by darthswift13



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Idiots in Love, Miscommunication, Social Media, Strangers to Lovers, Therapy, They truly share one brain cell, Unsafe Sex, couples therapy, references to abandonment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:01:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29301579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthswift13/pseuds/darthswift13
Summary: Complete strangers Rey and Ben enroll in couples therapy as an academic experiment. How long before the therapist realizes it’s all a ruse?
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 105
Kudos: 434
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you enjoy this story, I've been having a lot of fun writing it :) Please note that I am not a psychologist so the couples therapy might not be 100% accurate to how real life couples therapy is, it's just based on Internet research and my own experiences with individual therapy. With that being said, I hope you like the story! And if you do like it, it would mean a lot to me if you left a comment <3  
> Also, the lovely moodboard was made by my amazing friend [ Lena](http://twitter.com/bensoloswhore)! Lena takes commissions and she does absolutely gorgeous work, I highly recommend her!

* * *

It was all Kaydel's idea, really. 

Rey’s acting professor assigned her a monologue about a woman having marital problems, and she had no idea how to perform the monologue, having never been in a relationship.

The monologue in question involved references to couples therapy, and Kaydel suggested that she find someone who would pretend to be her significant other and go to couples counseling with her. 

“It would be a great method acting exercise,” Kaydel points out on their way to the dining hall after class. “You’d really have to convince the therapist that y’all are a real couple. But if anyone could pull that off, it would be you.”

“Hmmmm,” Rey muses. “That’s actually kind of a good idea.”

“Duh,” Kaydel replies. “When have I ever steered you wrong?”

“Um, I can think of more than a few occasions, including but not limited to that incident at the Delta Sig party when — ”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Kaydel interjects, “the point is, it’s a great idea, and I think you should go for it.”

“But how am I gonna find somebody who would be willing to do this with me?”

“Twitter, of course,” Kaydel replies matter-of-factly. “Where’s your phone?”

Rey pulls her phone out of the back pocket of her jeans. “Here.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” the blonde woman says with a self-satisfied smirk. She sets to work typing on Rey’s phone, brow furrowing in concentration, and then smiles again before handing the phone back to Rey. “What do you think?”

“Well, the way you phrased it sounds very much like you and not at all like me, but it gets the point across, I suppose,” Rey concedes. 

“I’m sure the fake suitors will come _rushing_ in, just give it a minute,” Kaydel assures her. 

A few moments later, Rey’s phone buzzes. “See!” Kaydel exclaims. “Did someone reply to the tweet?” she asks eagerly, peaking over Rey’s shoulder. 

“Let’s see...some bloke called Ben Solo replied?”

“Let me see!”

Rey tilts the phone toward Kaydel.

“Oh my God, he’s so fucking formal,” Kaydel remarks. “It’s Twitter, not a business email, my dude.”

“I know, but he’s kind of cute? I mean, if I’m gonna have to pretend to be in love with this guy, it helps that he’s cute.”

“I mean _I_ wouldn’t know, but I think you’re both on the same page — you see this as an academic exercise or whatever — so it could be good?”

“I think so, too,” Rey agrees. “I’m going to message him."

* * *

**_After lunch, Kaydel texts her friends..._ **

**_And Poe texts Ben._ **

* * *

Rey realizes as soon as sees Ben waiting for her outside of the therapist’s office that it was a _tremendously_ terrible idea to not at least meet Ben for coffee or something before committing to doing full-blown _couples therapy_ with him. But nevertheless, here she is, wondering if she’s made a horrible mistake. She notices right away that he’s even more handsome in person, with his striking features, shock of raven colored hair and warm hazel eyes. The fact that he looks like _that_ certainly doesn’t help her nerves. 

“You must be Rey,” he says warmly, extending his hand for her to shake. 

“Nice to meet you,” she says with a smile. Something about the way his large hand engulfs her own makes her draw in a sharp breath, something like electricity blossoming where their hands meet.

She attributes this strange sensation to her nerves. But then she reminds herself to just pretend she’s playing a part. She tries to imagine that the therapist’s office is a stage, and is just helping her create a backstory for the character she will be portraying in her monologue. It’s just research, really. Nothing to worry about.

There’s just the small matter of convincing the therapist that this is _real._

Ben clears his throat awkwardly. “Shall we, then?”

Rey nods. “Just follow my lead and everything will go just fine,” she assures him. He opens the door for her, and they make their way down the hall and through another door which leads to the waiting room.

They sit side-by-side in awkward silence while they wait for the therapist to call them in. After a few minutes pass by, marked by the _tick-tick-tick_ of the clock on the wall, Ben opens his mouth to say something, but before he can get the words out, a beautiful blonde woman who looks to be in her late-forties opens the door.

“Rey Johnson and Ben Solo?”

They stand up. “That’s us,” Rey confirms.

The woman smiles warmly. “Wonderful. You can come right this way.”

* * *

“You can sit down and make yourselves comfortable,” the therapist says when they step into her office. There’s a sofa positioned against the wall under some paintings of flowers, a coffee table, and an armchair opposite the sofa. Rey and Ben nod politely and take a seat on the couch.

_Okay,_ Rey thinks to herself, _you need to get into character. You’re having some troubles, but you’re in love with this man despite the problems you’re having in your relationship. You have to act like you’re in love._

So she takes his hand and entwines it with her own. He inhales sharply but then smiles and places his free hand on top of where their hands are clasped. Maybe he’s not such a bad actor after all.

“I’m Dr. Holdo, it’s a pleasure to meet you both,” the therapist says with a friendly smile as she sits down in the armchair. “Now why don’t you tell me a little bit more about yourselves and why you’re seeking couples therapy.”

“Oh, um, well,” Rey starts to say, trying to get her brain in improv mode, “we both go to Chandrila U. I’m an acting major, Ben is getting his PhD in clinical psychology. We met three years ago when, um...when he was, um...when he was my tutor for my intro to psych class back when he was still an undergrad. And we just hit it off right away.”

Ben smiles. “That’s right. This one is so beautiful I couldn’t help but fall in love with her. Made it a bit tough to focus on tutoring her in psychology,” he adds with a chuckle, “but we managed — she ended up getting an A in the course but...but I guess that’s not surprising, since she’s so brilliant.”

“Oh, thank you, darling, you’re so sweet,” Rey replies with a bashful smile, trying to sound genuine. 

“So what has led you to seek couples therapy? What are some of the difficulties you’re facing in your relationship?”

“Well,” Rey begins, sighing deeply and pulling her hand away from Ben’s, “we love each other very much, but things have been...rough lately, to say the least. We’re constantly getting into arguments about the littlest things. I feel like he never listens to me anymore, like we’re not even on the same page.”

“That’s not fair,” Ben interjects, “I _always_ listen to you.”

Rey scoffs. “I can’t remember the last time I felt like you were actually hearing and understanding what I was saying to you. I feel like you can be so dismissive of my feelings sometimes.”

“So I’m hearing there are some communication difficulties,” Dr. Holdo interjects, scribbling something down on her notepad. “What else?”  
  


“Um...” Rey starts. “Well there is, of course...” she looks to Ben for help, suddenly drawing a blank.

“Intimacy issues,” he blurts out. 

“Yes, right,” Rey agrees, nodding. “It’s difficult to talk about, but it’s been so long since we’ve been intimate that sometimes it almost feels like we’ve never been intimate at all. Probably because we’ve been too busy fighting with each other. Half the time one of us is sleeping on the couch.”

“Lately it just feels like that spark is gone,” Ben adds, “but we still love and respect each other very much, which is why we want to try to make things work.”

Rey smiles, entwining their hands again. “Yes, exactly.”

“Respect is so crucial in relationships,” Dr. Holdo says, “so it’s great that you still have mutual respect for one another, despite these issues. Hopefully in talking through these difficulties, we can get to the root of your communication and intimacy issues so that you can work through them together. Now, next I’d like to get a bit more background about your histories, just some basic information about your childhoods and such.”

“Um, what do our childhoods have to do with anything?” Rey asks, her tone defensive and hostile. 

“Learning about your histories helps me understand what each of you are bringing to the relationship, what kind of role models for relationships you had growing up, things like that.”

“Well, I don’t see how it’s relevant, but okay,” Rey mumbles under her breath.

“What was that?” Dr. Holdo asks.

“Nothing,” Rey replies, flashing a false smile. “Nothing at all. So what do you need to know about our childhoods?”  
  


“Did you grow up with your parents together or separated? Ben, why don’t we start with you?”  
  


“My parents got divorced when I was a teenager,” he says quietly. “But they fought a lot before that.”

Dr. Holdo scribbles something down on her notepad. “That must have been really painful to go through, I’m so sorry.”

He shrugs. “It’s fine. I mean, sometimes I feel like I’m the reason for their divorce, but I don’t really want to talk about that.”

“I understand,” Dr. Holdo replies, “but just so you know, this is a safe space where you can talk about anything, if you ever decide you feel like discussing it.” She turns to Rey.“And Rey, what about you?”

“Myparentsabandonedme.” She says it fast, like it’s all one word.

Dr. Holdo frowns. “What was that?” 

“My parents abandoned me,” Rey mutters. 

Now Ben is frowning too. He briefly forgets himself and echoes, “Your parents abandoned you?”

“You didn’t know that, Ben?” Dr. Holdo asks.  
  


“I _really_ don’t like to talk about it,” Rey says dismissively. “It’s in the past, it’s irrelevant.”

Ben is looking at her more intensely now, and she feels him circle his thumb on the back of her hand. Why is he doing that? She doesn’t feel like she’s being pitied. She pulls her hand away. 

“Just because something happened in the past doesn’t make it irrelevant,” Dr. Holdo points out. “But we don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready yet.”

“I really don’t think there’s anything to talk about, but okay,” Rey mumbles. 

“Thank you both for sharing that information with me, it’s helpful, and I know it’s not easy to talk about, so again, thank you for sharing that,” Dr. Holdo says. “So in summary, it looks like you want to focus on communication and intimacy issues and re-igniting the spark in your relationship. Would you say that’s accurate?”

Rey nods, turning back toward Ben and taking his hand again. “I think so, darling, what about you?”

“Yes, I think we’re on the same page.”

Dr. Holdo smiles warmly. “Great. We really want to focus on the kind of life you want to build together, the kind of partners you aspire to be, and the blocks to achieving those goals. We will work together to build the skills and knowledge necessary to overcome the obstacles you’re facing and create the kind of relationship you want. I will be giving you various homework assignments to work on over the course of these sessions. 

“To start off, I really want to focus on why you two fell in love in the first place. I think that’s key to re-igniting the passion in the relationship, and also as a way of reminding yourselves why you’re doing this. So for your first homework assignment, I’d like you both to write down some of the reasons you fell in love in the first place. I have a worksheet you can use as a framework if you’d like, but it’s totally optional.” She pulls a couple pieces of paper out from the back of her notebook. “Even if you don’t actually use the worksheets, they can be a good starting off point to get you thinking about why you fell in love with each other.”

Rey and Ben reach forward to take the paper from Dr. Holdo. It’s a simple worksheet with a few prompts:

> _I appreciate my partner because…_
> 
> _My partner shows me they care by…_
> 
> _The qualities that first drew me to my partner are…_

Still, Rey has no idea how she’s supposed to answer these questions about someone she doesn’t even _know_. 

“Our time for today is just about up, but I really look forward to seeing you again next week,” Dr. Holdo says as she stands up and sets her notepad on the coffee table. Rey and Ben stand up in turn, and she shows them to the door. 

“It was great to meet you,” Ben chimes in.

“Yes, we really look forward to working with you,” Rey adds. 

Dr. Holdo smiles. “Likewise. Have a good rest of your day.”

Ben and Rey walk in silence through the waiting room, and it’s not until they’re outside again that Rey finally speaks. 

“So, I’ll be honest, I was a little bit worried about your ability to pull this off given that you’re not an actor like me, but I was quite impressed by how convincing you managed to be and how you played off what I was doing.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” Ben replies. “But to be fair, I definitely don’t think I could’ve pulled it off if I didn’t have you to follow along with, but I think it went pretty okay, too. I don’t think she suspects we’re strangers. But speaking of being strangers, how are we supposed to do this homework assignment if we don’t actually know anything about each other?”

“Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. Maybe, um...maybe we could get coffee sometime before our next session and talk about what we’re going to write, and maybe go over what we might say in our next session, so we’re more prepared next time?”

Ben nods. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” There’s an awkward silence, and then: “It was nice meeting you today, by the way.”

Rey smiles. “You, too. I really appreciate you being willing to help me out with this, I think it’ll really help me get into character for this monologue.”

“I’m happy to help,” Ben replies earnestly. “Like I said, I’m interested in learning more about couples therapy, and what better way to do that than actually participating in it?”

“Well, I’m glad this arrangement will be helpful to both of us, then.” A beat. “Anyway,” Rey says as she starts to fidget with her hair, “I should get going because I have to practice my lines for the play I’m in, but just text me a time that works for you to get coffee.”

“Sounds good.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She scrawls something down about him being very handsome on her paper. Because that’s what she should say, of course. That’s what someone who is in love with him would say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your lovely comments! I'm so glad you guys are excited about this story, too. It's a really interesting prompt to work with and I'm having a lot of fun with it. I hope you enjoy this update, and comments are always greatly appreciated!

* * *

Ben is already waiting at a booth when Rey arrives at the coffee shop. She can’t help but notice that he looks very handsome in a crisp white button down with dark blue jeans, his dark hair framing his face with gentle waves. He waves to her when he sees her walk through the door. 

“Hey,” he says with a smile when she approaches the table.

“Hi,” Rey echoes. “I’m just going to get some tea, and then I’ll join you?”

Ben nods. “Take your time,” he says before taking a sip of his black coffee.

Rey returns to the table a few minutes later clutching a cup of tea. 

“What kind of tea did you get?”

“Oh, um, I always get English breakfast tea with a splash of milk,” she replies nonchalantly, sliding her backpack off and onto the space beside her in the booth. There is an awkward, tense silence, punctuated only by the sounds of the barista turning on the milk steamer and people pushing their chairs out against the tiled floor. They hold each other’s gaze for a long moment, and there’s something about the way he’s looking at her that almost makes her blush.

Rey clears her throat. “So anyway, we should get started on that homework, I suppose?”

Ben nods, “Right. Of course.”

She unzips her backpack and retrieves the sheet of paper, and he does the same, pulling the homework paper out of his briefcase.

“So. ‘I appreciate my partner because...’ So, er...why do we appreciate each other? What should we write?”

“Well...” Ben says pensively, taking a sip of his coffee, “what do you think are some qualities you have that someone would appreciate in a partner?”

“I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship, so I don’t really know.”

Ben tilts his head. “You’ve never been in a relationship?”

“No, why, is that weird?”

“Not weird, just surprising.”

“Oh.”

There’s another awkward silence. 

“So if you were in a relationship, what positive qualities do you think you’d bring to the relationship?” Ben asks.

“I guess, um...I don’t know, really, I feel like I’m on a job interview when they ask you three words to describe yourself and it just feels a bit awkward, like I don’t know, you’d have to ask my friends?” She pauses. “One thing I can think of, and I don’t know if this counts, but I don’t really put up with bullshit from guys. That’s probably part of why I’ve never had a relationship. I call people out on their shit, and I won’t tolerate being treated badly.”

“Hmmm,” Ben muses. He pulls a pen out of his briefcase and clicks it on. “My partner holds me accountable and makes me want to be a better person.”

“Wow, you’re good with words.”

“Thanks. I was a creative writing minor in undergrad. Maybe that’s why I was able to follow along with your acting during our session. I looked at it like I was writing a story.”

Rey smiles. “That makes sense, actually.” She unzips the front pocket of her backpack and pulls out a pen. “My partner is creative and a good communicator.” She pauses. “Also, ambitious and hardworking — well, I assume so, given that you’re getting a PhD.”

“I would say that’s accurate,” Ben replies, his tone a bit clinical. “And I’m guessing you’re also creative, passionate, and hardworking, given that you’re getting your BFA in acting. That takes a lot of work.”

“You know, I appreciate that. So many people think it’s not a real degree.”

“Who says that’s not a real degree? Of course it’s a real degree. And you said you’re doing a whole play on top of your coursework. I could never manage all that.”

“It’s a lot of work, but it’s a labor of love for sure. Acting is definitely my calling in life. I feel most at home on stage.” Her hazel eyes light up as she speaks. “Getting to step into someone else’s shoes is so freeing and exciting, it’s so fun to explore different roles, and I find I end up learning a lot about myself in the process. It’s just everything to me.”

He’s looking at her intently again, a small smile pulling at his lips.

  
“What?”

“Nothing,” he says softly. “Anyway,” he continues, his tone becoming matter-of-fact again, “the next question is ‘my partner shows they care by...’ So...how do you show people you care about them usually?”

“Well, I’m very supportive of my friends, and I’d say I can always see the best in people.”

Ben scribbles something down, and then: “What’s your love language? It might be helpful to know each other’s love languages, so we can tailor our answers accordingly.”

Rey nods. “Right...um, well, I think mine is a physical touch.” _Probably because I never got hugged as a child_ , she thinks to herself, but she doesn’t say that out loud, of course. “What’s yours?”

“Words of affirmation.”

“I think it’ll be good if we can tell the therapist we know each other’s love languages and the way we show we care coordinates with them. So for you, I would show I care by offering compliments and words of encouragement and telling you I love you a lot, telling you why I love you, writing nice notes, that kind of thing, right?”

“Yes, that makes sense, I’ll write that down.” She watches the way he writes, and notices his handwriting is very beautiful, carefully sculpted cursive, almost like calligraphy. “And for you, um...since you said your love language is physical touch, I guess you could write that I show I care with things like hand holding, kisses, cuddling, back rubs, and um...physical intimacy.” He blushes when he says this, and she feels her cheeks getting hot, too. 

“Um, right...that sounds...that sounds good.” A heavy silence lingers between them. Rey takes a sip of her tea and averts her eyes to the ground. “Anyway,” she says after a moment, “what was the last question?” 

“Right.” Ben clears his throat and reads aloud the last question: “‘The qualities that first drew me to my partner are _…_ ’

“Well, um, I suppose we should say we were attracted to each other, right?” 

He nods. “Right.” He writes something down on his paper, but she can’t quite make out what; it’s hard to read his cursive writing upside down.

She scrawls something down about him being very handsome on her paper. Because that’s what she should say, of course. That’s what someone who is in love with him would say. 

“We should include things beyond just physical attraction, though, of course,” Ben points out. “So perhaps we should, um, consult our notes from the first question?”

“Right, I think...” Rey starts to say as she looks down at her paper, “I think if we’re going off what we said in the first question, I would add that I was drawn to you because you’re very smart, since you’re pursuing a PhD in psychology and all.”

“Yes, that sounds good, and — and I could say your passion for theater really drew me to you, the way you just light up when you talk about it... that sort of thing.”

Rey nods, a studious expression on her face. “Yeah, that works. The details make it sound convincing. I think between my acting and your writing, we might just pull this thing off.”

“I think so, too,” Ben replies, taking another sip of his coffee. “I think we’re well prepared for our next session.”

“Great,” Rey says with a smile. “I should probably get going then. Lots of studying and rehearsing to do.”

“Right,” Ben murmurs quietly, almost like he’s disappointed that she’s leaving, but that can’t be right. “I’ll see you Thursday, then?”

“Yep,” Rey says as she puts away the homework paper and throws her backpack over her shoulder. “Sounds good.”

* * *

Rey sits beside Ben on Dr. Holdo’s couch and takes his hand again. His hands are big and warm and she can’t pretend it doesn’t feel pleasant to hold hands with him. Even if it is all just for show.

“I see you brought your homework assignments with you,” Dr. Holdo points out with a smile. “What was that like to work on the assignment?”

“It was really good, actually, we sort of worked on it together, and I felt like we grew closer again just from talking about it. It helped us remember why we fell in love in the first place.”

Amilyn’s smile broadens. “That’s wonderful. That’s exactly what the exercise is meant to do. May I take a look?”

Rey and Ben nod and hand her their papers.

“I notice you both seem very aware of how the other prefers to receive affection. Are you familiar with the concept of love languages?”

“Yeah, actually, we talked about that, as a matter of fact. Ben’s love language is words of affirmation, mine is physical touch. And I think it served as an important reminder of what we both need in a relationship, and how we haven’t always been giving each other that. But I think it gives us a good place to start, in terms of getting back into the habit of showing each other we care.”

Ben’s eyes are soft and adoring when he turns to look at Rey. He’s so much better at this than she ever expected. The way he’s looking at her is so convincing, she almost blushes. He squeezes her hand. “Exactly.”

“It also was, um, it was really helpful to talk about why we fell in love in the first place. Sometimes I feel like she’s so busy with school and play practice she never makes time for me anymore, but then I remembered her passion for theater is one of the things that made me fall for her in the first place.”

“I’m glad you brought that up, actually,” Dr. Holdo replies, “— the idea of making time for each other. We all get busy, but it’s important to set aside time just for the two of you. That’s your next homework assignment, actually: to go to dinner together. And try to treat it like you’re going on a first date all over again. Focus on those things you said drew you to your partner in the first place, and those things you appreciate about them. I’d like you both to individually write something about your experience, really trying to focus on those things you love about each other, and then bring those notes back at your next session.”

“That sounds doable,” Rey replies. “What do you think, darling?” she asks, turning to Ben.

“Definitely.”

“Great. So I wanted to touch base and see how things have been since our last appointment. Any arguments? Have you been seeing more of those communication or intimacy issues cropping up again?”

“I, well...” Rey starts to say. “I just feel invisible to him lately. It’s like he’s indifferent to me. I keep trying to pick fights just to get a rise out of him. I don’t know what’s changed, but — ”

“I could never be indifferent towards you, Rey,” Ben interjects.

Rey pauses for the briefest moment, because his acting is so sincere she almost believes what he’s saying to her. 

She pulls her hand away and decides to take the opportunity to practice her fake crying skills. She’s quite pleased with herself when she manages to get tears to fall from her eyes. “Then why do I feel like you are?”  
  


“Rey,” he says softly, placing a hand on her shoulder, but she pulls away again. “I’m sorry I haven’t been paying attention to you. But can you blame me? Every time we try to talk, it explodes into an argument. I love you, but I’m just tired. I wish we could go back to how things were.”

Rey wipes her tears and Dr. Holdo offers her a tissue box from the coffee table. Rey nods her thanks and takes a tissue from the box. She sniffles and then turns back to Ben. “I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been as patient as I should be. You’re the most important thing in the world to me, and I guess I’ve started to take that for granted. I don’t want to lose you.”  
  


“Hey, you’re not going to lose me, Rey. You know — you know that I love you.”

“I love you, too. And I’m really glad we decided to do therapy together. I think it’s going to help us get through this rough patch.” She takes his hand again.

“I think so, too,” he replies.

“I’m hearing a lot of frustration on both sides, but also a mutual willingness to work through these difficulties, and mutual love and respect, all of which are key to successfully overcoming this difficult time in your relationship. As we continue to work together, I hope that you can continue to find ways to be upfront and honest with one another about how you’re feeling. I want you both to work on centering your own feelings more, and placing less blame on each other.”

Rey nods. “That makes sense. I guess we’ve gotten in this rut of being very accusatory to each other, but we need better communication skills for sure.”

“That’s something we can continue to work on in our sessions for sure,” Dr. Holdo replies. She pulls out a paper from her notebook. “And in the meantime, here’s a little reference guide I made to help with healthy communication skills. You might find it to be a useful resource.”

Rey reaches forward and takes the paper. “Thank you, Dr. Holdo, I’m sure this will be helpful.”

Dr. Holdo smiles and stands up. “I really look forward to hearing how dinner went when we meet again next week.”

Rey returns her smile and she and Ben stand up. “Sounds good.”

* * *

“Nice job in there, pal,” Rey says with a smile when they make it to the parking lot.

Ben raises his eyebrows. “We’re pals now?”

“Of course we’re pals. We’re doing each other a favor. That makes us friends, right?”

“I’d like to think so,” Ben replies.

“So it’s settled then. We’re friends now. See you next week, bestie,” she says with a smirk. 

“I’m your best friend?”

Rey chuckles. “I call _everyone_ my bestie, you’re not special, Solo,” she says teasingly. 

He puts his hand over his heart. “I’m devastated,” he says with mock sadness.

Rey laughs. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“By the way, um, _bestie_ — ”

“Oh my God, please don’t _ever_ say that again, it sounds _so weird_ when an old person says it.”

Ben scoffs. “An _old person?_ How old do you think I am, Rey?”

“Uh, I dunno, like 35?”

“I’m 27.”

“Same difference.”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-twoo,” she replies to the tune of the Taylor Swift song. 

Ben chuckles. “I see. Anyway, I was wondering, did you actually want to go out to dinner, or do you want to just meet for coffee again and we can come up with a lie about how dinner went?”

“Hmmmm,” Rey muses. “It’ll probably be easier to write those notes she wants us to do if we actually go out to dinner.”

“Good point. I think you’re right, we should go to dinner.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Would you judge me if I said Olive Garden?”

Rey laughs. “No, actually, that’s good because I’m a broke student, so I can’t afford to go anywhere terribly expensive.”

“I’m in the same boat.”

“So it’s settled. We’re going to Olive Garden, bestie.”

“Sounds good, _bestie_ .”   
  


“Oh my God, _please_ stop saying that, it’s _so weird_ when you say it,” she says, fighting back a giggle as she gives him a playful shove.

“Mmmm, don’t think I will, _bestie_.” 

Rey laughs again despite herself. And then: “Does, um, does Saturday at 7 work for you?”

“Yeah, that sounds good to me,” Ben replies.

And there it is again: that same tense, awkward silence from the coffee shop. For some strange reason, Rey’s eyes are drawn to his lips. She notices he has very nice lips. Very full. Not that that’s relevant. She doesn’t even know why she’s looking at his lips to begin with. He’s standing close enough to her that she can smell his cologne. She notices that it smells nice. She finds herself wanting to take a step closer to him. 

She shakes her head to snap herself out of her reverie. “Sorry, um, yeah, that works. I’ll see you then,” she says hurriedly. “I’ve, um, I’ve gotta run, I have, um, I have play practice.” 

“Right. Well, um, break a leg?”

“Er — thanks.” She smiles awkwardly and then makes her way to her car. 

She has this peculiar feeling like she’s slightly dizzy and out of breath.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She meets Ben at Olive Garden at 7 like they agreed. He’s wearing a white button down shirt and dark jeans again. He has the sleeves rolled up just a little bit, in such a way that they emphasize how muscular his forearms are. 
> 
> Not that she’s paying any attention to that.

* * *

When Rey gets back from play practice, she finds that for some reason she doesn’t know what to wear. It’s not a big deal; she’s just getting dinner with her friend. There’s no reason she can’t just wear the jeans, t-shirt, and converse that she wore to school today. But it’s a warm spring evening, and she can’t remember the last time she had an excuse to wear something nice, so she pulls her favorite yellow floral print sundress out of the back of her closet. She pairs it with a white cardigan and ballet flats, and takes her hair out of the haphazard bun it has lived in ever since she started her senior year of university. She touches up her wavy shoulder-length chestnut hair with a curling iron, and puts on her favorite perfume. 

She would do the same if she was getting dinner with any of her other friends, she assures herself. Eating anywhere other than the dining hall is always an occasion when you’re a college student, she reasons.

* * *

She meets Ben at Olive Garden at 7 like they agreed. He’s wearing a white button down shirt and dark jeans again. He has the sleeves rolled up just a little bit, in such a way that they emphasize how muscular his forearms are. 

Not that she’s paying any attention to that.

He’s sitting in the waiting area when they arrive, holding one of those buzzers they give you to let you know when your table is ready. He stands up when he sees her, and pauses for a moment, lips parted slightly as his eyes scan across her. 

  
“You, um. You look nice.” 

Rey smiles. “Oh, thanks,” she replies nonchalantly. “I just threw this on, wanted to wear something springlike since the weather has been so nice lately.”

“Oh. Well, it’s a nice dress.”

“Thanks,” Rey replies shyly, brushing her hair behind her ear and biting down on her lower lip.

There’s a tense silence where they hold each other’s gaze for a moment, but then the buzzer goes off abruptly, and they both jump slightly.

“Oh, um — guess our table’s ready,” Rey says awkwardly.

Ben nods, and they return the buzzer to the hostess, who leads them to their table.

“Can I get you started with anything to drink today?” the waitress asks once they are seated.

“I’ll just take a water,” Rey replies.

“I’ll have the same.”

And there it is again: that now increasingly familiar awkward, tense silence.

“So, um,” Rey tries to say nonchalantly, “how did your day go?”

“Good,” Ben replies. “I went to my internship today. It’s always nice to get to work with actual clients instead of just reading boring textbooks.”

“I can imagine. What is your internship, exactly?”

“I work with kids with emotional problems. My research focus is on pediatric psychology. I had mental health difficulties as a kid and adolescent, so I’m really passionate about helping these kids, so they won’t have to go through what I did.” 

“Wow, that’s amazing and very admirable. And I’m sorry to hear you went through that as a kid.” 

“It’s okay, I feel like it helps me understand them better,” he explains. “I’m very interested in family dynamics as well, and how that can impact kids, too, that’s why I was interested in learning more about couples therapy. It feels relevant to my areas of interest.”

“That makes sense,” Rey replies. “I hope it’s been, um...informative for you.”

“It definitely has. I feel like I’m already learning so much by actually going through the process, and Dr. Holdo is great.”

Rey is about to say something when the waitress comes back. She sets down their breadsticks and presents a bottle of white wine. “We’re offering samples of our moscato this evening, would you like to try some?”

“Sure,” they reply in unison.

“Great, I’ll just need to see your IDs.”

They nod and show her their licenses, and then she pours a small glass for each of them.

Rey _loves_ the sickly sweet moscato as soon as it slips between her lips; as far as she’s concerned, the sweeter, the better, when it comes to wine.

“Oh, this is wonderful, I’ll take a full glass for sure,” she tells the waitress.

“Sounds great. And you, sir?”

Ben grimaces. “That’s way too sweet for me. I’ll take a glass of your driest wine, please.”

“Great, I’ll have that right up for you. And are you ready to order your meals?”

“Yes, I think we’re ready — I’ll take the shrimp scampi,” Ben tells her.

“And I’ll take the tortellini alfredo with grilled chicken, please.”

The waitress scribbles their order down on a notepad and smiles. “Those will be right up.”

“Thank you,” Ben says.

“Of course you want the driest wine, _old man_ ,” Rey teases once the waitress leaves.

“I’m only five years older than you, Rey,” Ben points out.

“You’re a millennial, that makes you old,” Rey says with a shrug, taking another sip of her wine sample. 

He chuckles. “If you say so.”

“I _do_ say so, bestie.”

“Mmm, you're besties with an old man, then, I guess.”

“I _know_ , it’s the worst,” Rey says teasingly. 

Ben laughs again, and as his smile fades, he holds her gaze for a long moment. There’s a certain intensity to the way he looks at her that she can’t quite place.

He clears his throat, and the moment is gone. “Anyway, how was your day?”

“It was good,” she says, reaching forward and taking a breadstick. She takes a bit and swallows. “We’re getting down to the wire with _The Taming of the Shrew_ rehearsals, it opens next weekend, actually. It’s my first Shakespere so it’s been a challenge but I’ve loved every second of it.”  
  


“That’s amazing. Who are you playing?”

“Katherine.”

He smiles. “Of course you’re the lead.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re obviously an amazing actress. So it’s not surprising,” he says softly.

Why does she feel herself blushing at the compliment? “Oh, um...thanks,” she replies shyly. 

The waitress returns a few minutes later with their glasses of wine and the salad. 

They sit in silence for a few minutes as they drink their wine and enjoy the salad and breadsticks. 

“So how did you get into acting?” Ben finally asks.

“Well, um...” She has two versions of this story. There’s the bullshit answer she usually goes with, and then there’s the truth. And for some strange reason, she feels compelled to tell him the truth. “I, um...well, I grew up in foster care and it was...shitty, to say the least. So I joined every extracurricular I could think of so I would never have to be home. But I just fell in love with theater. Being able to step into someone else’s shoes, into a whole other world...I thought it was absolutely magical. It helped me escape my reality, but it also helped me process and make sense of it and cope with it. When I’m on stage, I don’t feel like the nobody whose parents didn’t want her. I feel like I matter, like I have important stories to tell.”

He’s looking at her intently again, something intense glimmering in his eyes that she can’t quite place or understand. “You _do_ matter, Rey, and you aren’t a nobody,” Ben tells her. “I’m glad theater helped you to realize that. And I hope you know your parents abandoning you isn’t a reflection of your worth. They were wrong and it wasn’t your fault.” 

“Yeah, anyway, I really, really don’t want to talk about this anymore, actually,” Rey says dismissively, already regretting bringing the subject up. It feels so _scary_ to say all these things out loud when she normally keeps them so wrapped up. 

Ben looks concerned. “I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?”

_No, no, you say all the exact right things,_ she thinks to herself. _That’s the problem._

“No, you didn’t, I’m sorry. I just...don’t like talking about my childhood very much.”

“Believe me, I get it. My childhood was pretty rough too. So if you ever want to talk to someone who gets it, just know you’re not alone.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.”

They’re interrupted when the waitress brings their food. They thank her and start eating.

They eat in silence, and as she gets closer to the bottom of her wine glass she feels herself getting a bit warm all over, and she happens to notice how small the silverware looks in Ben’s large hands, the way his dark hair falls across his forehead, his full lips, his warm eyes, the way that white button-down fits him so perfectly, emphasizing his muscular frame...

She averts her eyes down to her plate, blaming her sudden... _observantness_ on the wine.

“Everything okay?” Ben asks.

Rey flashes a fake smile. “Never better.”

“How’s your pasta?”

“ _Delicious_ , how is yours?”

“Really good. Honestly, I think Olive Garden is great.”

“Right?! It gets a bad rep because it’s a chain restaurant, but it’s honestly so good.”

“We should — ”

Ben is cut off by the waitress coming back to the table. “How is everything?”

“Great,” they reply in unison.

“Wonderful. Now are the checks going to be separate or together?”

“Separate,” Rey replies.

“Great, thanks. I’ll be right back.”

“What is it you were saying before she came by?” Rey asks, turning back to Ben.

  
“Nothing,” he says quietly. “So what did you want to do about writing those notes? Do you want to meet for coffee again and write them?”

“We might as well just talk about it now.”

“But we don’t have pen and paper.”

“I think I can remember,” Rey assures him. “So what are we writing, bestie?” she adds cheerfully.

“Well, I’m going to say something about how nice you look in your yellow dress because I feel like if I was your boyfriend I would notice that kind of thing?”

“That makes sense. I’ll write something about your appearance as well, then. What else?”

“We can say we opened up to each other about our childhoods, because we actually did, and that it made us feel more connected to and understanding of one another.”

“That makes sense. And you can say I made you laugh, because I made you laugh at least twice.”

“That’s true, you did, bestie.”

Now she’s laughing. “I told you not to say that! It’s weird when you say it!”

“Well, then, in that case I’m just going to say it even more, _bestie._ ”

They’re both laughing still when the waitress comes around with their checks. They write in the tips and put their cards in the check folder. “Thanks, I’ll be right back with your cards and your receipts.”

They’re still smiling when they turn back to face each other, and they hold one another’s gaze for a long moment. They realize they’ve been staring at each other when the waitress comes back to return their cards, and they both avert their eyes. Rey feels her cheeks flushing pink from the way he looked at her. 

They both stand up to leave and there’s an awkward silence as they wordlessly make their way to the door.

“So,” Ben says when they step outside into the warm evening spring air. “That was, um...that was fun.”

Rey smiles. “I had fun too, bestie.”

The wind picks up slightly and her hair and the hem of her dress dance in the breeze. He takes a step toward her and gently tucks her hair behind her ear. She looks up at him with wide eyes.

“Goodnight, Rey,” he says quietly, almost sadly. A wan smile spreads across his lips. 

“Goodnight,” Rey whispers back.

  
He’s a breath away from her, and for the briefest moment she almost thinks his eyes flutter to her lips. But just as quickly the moment is gone, and he turns around to go find his car.

There’s a strange aching feeling in her chest as she watches him walk away from her.

* * *

They meet outside Dr. Holdo’s office building the following Thursday. She tells herself she chooses her pink skater skirt and white v-neck t-shirt outfit because the weather is nice again, and she wants to wear something cute to enjoy the warmer weather.

There isn’t any other reason for it, of course.

“Hey, bestie,” she says with a smile when she sees Ben waiting outside the building. He’s always early for everything, she notices. 

He smiles. “Good to see you, bestie.”

Rey narrows her eyes. “I thought I told you not to say that word.”

“And I’m pretty sure we established that I’m going to continue saying it just because you hate it so much, _bestie._ ”

Rey rolls her eyes. “I can’t stand you.”

Ben frowns. “I thought I was your bestie.”

She chuckles. “You’re so annoying,” she tells him, but she’s smiling. “Anyway, are you ready? Got your note?”

He nods, pulling the note out of the back pocket of his jeans.

“Perfect. I’ve got mine, too,” she says, holding up the paper in her hand.

* * *

“It’s so nice to see you both again,” Dr. Holdo says as the three of them take their seats. “I’m really looking forward to hearing how dinner went.”

“It went pretty well, actually,” Rey replies, turning to smile at Ben and taking his hand.

He returns her smile and squeezes her hand. “Yeah, I think so too. We didn’t get into an argument or anything. We actually ended up talking about our childhoods and it helped us feel more connected, like we know each other better.”

Dr. Holdo smiles. “Oh, that’s wonderful. What did you talk about? If you feel comfortable sharing.”

“Well, um...” Rey starts pulling her hand away from Ben’s so she can fidget with her fingers while she stares at the carpet. “I talked about how my parents abandoned me and I grew up in foster care, and Ben talked about how he struggled with his mental health in his childhood, and we both just connected because we sort of understood what the other went through.”

“That’s really powerful when you feel like someone understands what you’ve been through and where you’re coming from. That’s the kind of thing that really strengthens a relationship,” Dr. Holdo remarks. “And I get the impression that you don’t like talking about your childhood very much, Rey, so I think it’s significant that you feel comfortable opening up to Ben. That tells me there’s trust in this relationship, and that’s a crucial foundation for any relationship. What else can you tell me about your dinner?”

Ben smiles and reaches for Rey’s hand again. “She got all dressed up. It felt like she was treating it like a special occasion, like it was our first date all over again. And she looked so beautiful.”

Rey blushes in spite of herself when he says this. Maybe it’s the way it comes out sounding all soft and breathless, almost like he really means it. 

“I — I did want to treat it like a special occasion. Because it is. Any time we spend together should be special. And I feel like I’m realizing how much I’ve been taking our time together for granted. But I want to change that. I want to really treasure our time together, the way I should. It was really nice to just take that time to re-connect, and I think we should make a point to do things like that together more often.”

“It’s funny you bring that up; that’s actually what I had in mind for your next homework assignment. I want you to think of something you can do regularly to reconnect — it has to be something you can do regularly, is enjoyable for both partners, and something that allows you to communicate in a healthy and productive way. Is there anything you can think of that could meet that criteria.”

“Mmmm, what about going to that coffee shop by the university, darling?” Rey asks, turning to Ben. “You know, the one we used to go to all the time when we first started dating.”

“That sounds good to me.”

“Oh, that sounds perfect, especially because you have a nostalgic attachment to it that’s significant to the relationship. It might be helpful to schedule out a time every week that works for both of you, so you set aside that time to meet up for coffee every week.” She glances down at her notes for a moment. “Now, the other thing I wanted to ask you about, and I know it can be uncomfortable to talk about, but I only bring it up because you mentioned it was one of the difficulties you wanted to address — have you been continuing to have intimacy issues? Did going out to dinner help with that at all?”

Rey stiffens slightly, and she can feel Ben stiffen up beside her. Why did he have to blurt out that they were having intimacy issues? How on earth are they supposed to navigate this part?

“Um...no...” Rey starts to say. “We still haven’t been intimate in a long time.”

“Now, Rey, I know you mentioned that physical touch is your love language. How has it felt to lose the intimate aspect of your relationship as someone for whom physical touch is important and meaningful?”

“Well...I just...sometimes I feel like he’s not even attracted to me anymore,” she says, pulling her hand away from Ben’s starting to let false tears fall from her eyes. 

“Rey, of course I’m still attracted to you, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it, what am I doing wrong? Is there someone else? What is it?”

“There’s no one else Rey, I can promise you that,” he tells her. “You’re just always angry with me. And sometimes...sometimes I feel like I want to be close to you, but I feel like you push me away.”

Rey frowns, wiping away her tears. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not like I haven’t tried, Rey, because I have, but I think you’re scared of the emotional intimacy that comes with being physically intimate, because when I try to get close to you, you push me away. So I just stopped trying.”

The conversation suddenly feels uncomfortably real, and she knows he’s just making things up, but it feels eerily similar to real conversations she’s had in the past. 

“Maybe it’s because it feels pointless when I feel like you’re going to leave me soon anyway,” Rey finally says. 

“Leave you? What? No, Rey, I don’t want to leave you, I want to fix this, that’s why we’re in therapy together. Because I love you, and I want to make this work.”

“You will leave, though. Eventually. Everyone always does,” Rey says quietly.

Ben frowns. “Do you really think that, Rey?”

She nods. “I do. But I want...I want to learn how to trust you again. To trust that you’ll stay. Because...because I don’t want to lose you, Ben. Even if it scares me.”

“You’re not going to lose me, Rey,” Ben says fiercely, taking her hand again. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not going anymore.”

For some reason, she stupidly finds herself wishing he wasn’t acting when he says this. Because she doesn’t want to lose her new friend, this person who tells her she’s not alone and makes her feel safe and understood. 

“I’m hearing such great, open, honest conversation. How does it feel to be really honest with each other like this?”

“It feels, um...cathartic, I think. What about you, babe?”

“I agree. It’s hard to talk about these things, but I think it’s important that we’re finally saying the things we’ve been thinking for so long, it’s the only way we’ll ever get to the root of these issues.” 

“Exactly, and that’s what you’re here for. You two are doing really well, I have to say, it usually takes many more weeks for couples to get to this level of open and honest communication. Now if I can just circle back to the intimacy issues real quick, just like scheduling that regular coffee date, it may seem unsexy to schedule time to be intimate together, but it’s important to set aside time for that too, just like you set aside time for dates, if that’s something that you value in your relationship. There doesn’t have to be any pressure to do anything, just some time you can spend alone together, and see where that leads to, even if it’s just cuddling and watching a movie.”

“So that’s um...that’s part of our homework, then?”

“Just to make the time for it, and if it happens, great, but if not, that’s okay, too.”

“So we’re making time to be intimate with each other?” Rey clarifies.

“Yes.”

“Right. Okay. Got it.” 

“Thank you for coming in today, and I look forward to our next session,” Dr. Holdo says as she stands up. “I hope the coffee date goes well.”

Rey and Ben stand up and thank her, and then make their way to the waiting room, through the building lobby, and then out the door.

“So...” Rey starts to say. “What are we going to do about that second homework assignment?” she asks, addressing the elephant in the room.

“I mean, we’re obviously not going to have sex.”

“Obviously not,” Rey agrees. “That would be ridiculous. But how can we be convincing?”

“It’s not like she’s going to ask for details or anything. We can just tell her we were intimate, and that talking things out helped us get past our issue.”

“Right. Okay. That makes sense.” There’s an awkward silence. “So, um...when do you want to get coffee, bestie?” 

“You said you’re free Tuesday afternoons, do you want to go Tuesday at 3:30?”

“That works for me,” Rey replies. 

Ben smiles. “Sounds good. See you then, _bestie_.”

“STOP SAYING THAT!”

He smirks. “Nope, don’t think I will.”

He is going to be the death of her. 


	4. Chapter 4

When Rey arrives at the coffee shop, Ben is already sitting at a table with two mugs in front of him.

Rey sits down across from him. “Hey.”

He smiles. “Hi. I got you your tea. English breakfast tea with a splash of milk, right?”

_He remembered her tea order_ , she thinks to herself, and it suddenly becomes impossible for her to deny that she’s falling for him.

_Fuck._ That wasn’t a part of the plan.

Her bewilderment must be written all over her face because he asks, “Sorry, was that not it?”

_No, that’s_ exactly _it, that’s the problem._ “No, you’ve got it right, sorry, I just have a lot on my mind and I’m a bit out of it.”

He frowns. “Is everything okay?”

She nods. “Yeah, I’m just stressing over finals and play rehearsals and figuring out what the fuck I’m going to do once I graduate,” she admits. “Sorry, that was a lot.”

“No, it’s okay. We’re friends, right? You can talk to me about anything.”

“I’m just a bit overwhelmed right now, but all be alright,” she assures him. “We should figure out what we’re going to say during our next session.”

“Isn’t our next session supposed to be about our, um...intimacy issues?”

She’d forgotten about that. “Oh, um...right. Well, we should figure out what we’re going to say so that she thinks we actually had sex.”

“And what exactly do you think we should say?”

“I don’t know, I feel like it’s not super believable if we just say ‘oh yes, we had sex, it was lovely, everything’s better now.’”

“So you think we should say we didn’t have sex?”

“No, just that we tried and it didn’t go well. I feel like our sessions have been going a little too well lately and she might start to pick up on the fact that this isn’t real.”

“So you want to tell her we had bad sex?”

“Not exactly, I don’t know...just maybe that it caused more conflict or something. Like, I don’t know, maybe I went down on you but you wouldn’t go down on me. I’ve had that issue in hookups in the past.”

“Rey, if I was your boyfriend I would definitely go down on you,” he blurts out, but then seems to think better of it. “Er — hypothetically. If I was anyone’s boyfriend. I’m just saying, I’m not the type of guy who would refuse to go down on a woman. Because I love doing that. Just, um...generally speaking, you know.”

She feels her breathing quickening as her thoughts flood with images of his head between her legs, kissing her thighs, sliding his tongue inside of her, sucking on her clit...

She feels dizzy at the thought. He has such nice, full lips. They would probably feel so heavenly pressed against her cunt.

It’s with this thought in her mind that she proposes something truly preposterous. “Well, maybe if we want to be believable, we should just have sex.”

Ben nearly chokes on his coffee. “Wait, _what?”_

“You’re right, forget I said anything. I didn’t mean to make things weird.”

  
“No, I, uh—I was just surprised. I think, um, actually, that might be a good idea. If we want to be convincing, of course. It wouldn’t actually mean anything.”

“Yeah, of course not,” Rey replies, but she can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt to hear that this would mean nothing to him. Sex has never been particularly meaningful in the past; she’s just had a few random hookups she met at parties. But she can’t help but feel like things would be different with Ben, because she _cares_ about him. 

She might even be falling in love with him. But if this is the only way she can have him, even if it’s just for one night, it’s better than never getting the chance to be with him at all.

“So, do you, um...do you want to come over to my apartment tonight, then?” Rey asks nervously.

He nods. “Yeah, that works, I guess.”

They spend the rest of their time at the coffee shop engaged in small talk; Rey talks about play practice, Ben talks about his internship, and she falls even harder for him as she watches him speak so passionately and adoringly about working with kids and helping them with their emotional problems.

She’s so completely screwed.

* * *

Rey spends at least 30 minutes agonizing over what she should wear when Ben comes over to have sex with her.

Part of her wants to put on her nicest lingerie to impress him, but she doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable or make it seem like she’s trying too hard. This is just for the sake of their fake dating ruse, and she knows he’ll never feel the same way about her, so they might as well just get it over with as quickly as possible. 

She finally decides to wear her bathrobe with nothing under it. Her robe is pink and cute and very short — it barely covers her ass — so she hopes it’ll catch his attention without being _too_ obvious, because she’s going to tell him she wanted to wear as little clothing as possible so he wouldn’t have to waste time undressing her. That way, she reasons, they can just get this over with.

Moments later, she hears a knock at her door. She takes a deep breath and opens it.

His eyes widen when he sees her, his eyes scanning across her body. He probably thinks it’s weird that she’s wearing a bathrobe.

“I wanted to save time by wearing as little clothing as possible,” Rey explains. “So we can just get this over with.”

“Rey,” he says as he steps inside and closes the door behind him, “do you think if we were a real couple, we’d just want to ‘get this over with’? Is that what you want to tell Dr. Holdo?”

“I mean, no, but — ”

“I’m going to take my time with you,” he murmurs, “because that’s what I’d do if I was your boyfriend. Starting with going down on you. I want you nice and wet when I fuck you.”

She shivers. He doesn’t actually mean any of this, of course; it’s all part of the act, but his words make her cunt throb and she can feel wetness pooling between her thighs. 

“But first,” he says slowly, “I think I should probably kiss you.”

“Yes,” Rey nods, “that makes sense.”

He takes a step closer and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. And does she imagine the way his breathing seems to become heavier? He cups her face in his hand as his eyes dart to her lips and slowly leans in until his mouth is on hers.

_Oh._

It’s tentative at first, almost chaste, the way his lips press against hers. But then his tongue glides along the seam of her mouth and she parts her lips for him instinctively. 

He’s a _remarkably_ good kisser; he uses just the right amount of tongue, exploring her mouth with it in a way that leaves her dizzy and breathless. The kiss quickly deepens into something more hungry as he bites down on her lower lip and she moans.

Embarrassed, she immediately pulls away. Her face is beat red. “Sorry,” she mumbles. 

“Sorry for what?”

She shakes her head. “Nothing. Nevermind. So we’ve kissed now. That’s out of the way. Should we go to my bed now?”

He nods, and something almost like sadness flickers in his warm brown eyes. Maybe because he’s dreading this. The knowledge of this strings sharply and sits heavy on her chest.

He follows her to her room, and they sit on the edge of her bed. 

There’s an awkward silence. “Now what?”

“Now,” Ben says softly, “now I’m going to eat your pussy until you come for me, so you’re nice and wet and ready for my cock.”

Rey nods. “Right. That makes sense. To get me wetter.” She can see the outline of his erection in his jeans, and she can tell he’s _big,_ so she’ll want to be as wet as possible. She wonders briefly how he got so visibly hard just from kissing her. 

“Exactly,” he confirms. “I just don’t want to hurt you or anything. Can you take off your robe and spread your legs for me?” he asks, his voice a gentle murmur.

She nods again and slowly shrugs off her robe, before leaning back against her pillows. He stares at her intently, his eyes scanning across her naked frame.

“Ben?” she says after a moment, because he hasn’t stopped still staring.

He shakes his head. “Sorry. Just — nevermind,” he says quietly. And then he takes a deep breath and dips his head between her legs. 

He kisses both of her thighs first. And then slowly, languidly lets his tongue delve between her folds. 

She cries out. No one’s ever done this for her before. It feels... _alarmingly_ good.

He hooks his arms under her legs and pulls her closer against his face, licking inside of her and making her whimper. His tongue flicks in and out of her impossibly quickly, and he licks and sucks like he’s _devouring_ her. It’s dizzying.

She instinctively rocks her hips, grinding her cunt against his face because she needs more of this newfound pleasure. He groans, and the vibration is a delicious electricity that reverberates inside of her. 

“Ben, I’m — _oh —_ I’m close.”

He pulls his mouth away but it’s quickly replaced by a finger as he closes his lips around her clit and sucks at it fervently.

And soon she’s coming, probably harder than she’s ever come in her life, harder than she ever imagined it was possible for her to come.

He slowly withdraws his fingers, and she can’t help the whimper that escapes her lips as she watches him lick them. “Rey, you — ” he sighs. “Nevermind.”

He lets his finger slowly run up and down between her labia, drawing a moan out of her. “You’re nice and wet and ready for my cock now, swee— er, Rey. Are you ready?”

She nods. The tiniest hint of a smile pulls at his lips, and then he pulls his t-shirt off, revealing the broad, muscular expanse of his chest and taut abs, and the sight takes her breath away.

He makes short work of taking his jeans and his boxers off, pausing only to retrieve a condom wrapper from his pocket, and soon he’s naked, too; his cock is red and hard and leaking and so _big._ Fuck.

She hoped to keep her mesmerized staring subtle, but it must not be because he asks, “What is it?”

Instead of saying what she’s really thinking, which is something along the lines of, _you’re the most impossibly handsome man in the world and I am falling in love with you,_ she goes with, “I just — is it going to fit?” Which, to be fair _is_ something she’s also thinking.

He chuckles as he rolls the condom on. “It’ll fit. Don’t worry.”

“Okay,” is what she manages to say, even though every part of her wants to say _I need you inside of me._ She keeps that desperate longing to herself, though.

“Are you ready?” he asks again. “Are you still sure you want to do this?”

“Yes,” she replies. “Definitely — I mean, so we can be convincing.”

“Right,” he says quietly. He takes his cock in his hand and guides it toward her entrance, and then slowly eases inside of her and _fuck —_

Nothing and no one has ever made her feel this perfect. He fills her up and and hits all the right places deep inside of her. But there’s something more there, too, something that makes this more meaningful because of how she feels about him. 

His breath hitches in his throat once he’s sheathed all the way inside of her and she whimpers, rocking her hips and imploring him to move.

  
He does, slowly at first, holding her gaze with an intensity she does not understand.

“Rey,” he breathes out.

“What?”

He sighs. “Nothing. Nevermind.” He trails kisses down her neck and then buries his face there, groaning as he presses into her. “Fucking hell, you’re so tight, Rey,” he mutters as he starts fucking her faster and harder.

She whimpers and wraps her legs around him because she needs him deeper, needs him as close to her as possible. She relishes in the sound of his moans in her ear, his breath hot on her neck. 

“ _Ben_ ,” she cries out in spite of herself when her orgasm crashes over her, as sudden and startling as a thunderclap and just as powerful, leaving her a trembling, babbling mess.

She whines at the overstimulation as Ben continues to press into her, but soon he’s coming, too with a loud grunt. He lingers inside of her for a moment, catching his breath, but then he pulls out.

“Where’s um — where’s your bathroom?”

“Just outside my room on the right side,” Rey replies matter-of-factly.

He nods, and then disappears out of her door, presumably to take care of the condom. He comes back moments later and then starts getting dressed, and she feels an ache in her chest. It’s not like she expected he would stay and hold her after; she knows they’re just doing this to be convincing for Dr. Holdo. But even so, it hurts her to watch him be in such a hurry to leave.

“Well,” Rey starts to say, “at least we got that over with.”

“Right,” Ben replies tersely. “Have a good night, Rey,” he says without looking at her.

And then, just like that, he’s gone.

She cries herself to sleep, feeling like a fool for thinking that just having sex with him could ever be enough, that it wouldn’t leave her hurting and longing even more afterwards.

* * *

Things are awkward when they see each other again. Very awkward.

They barely make eye contact with each other when they meet in the parking lot before they go into see Dr. Holdo, nodding at each other in lieu of saying hello.

“It’s so nice to see you both again,” Dr. Holdo says with a smile as they enter her office. They both smile and give polite nods in return and then sit on the couch.

Rey really doesn’t want to hold his hand this time, because it will just sharpen the ache in her chest. But for the sake of their charade, she does. And she was right — as soon as she entwines their hands, the ache is so acute she could cry. But she doesn’t let go.

“So, how did the homework assignments go this week?”

“The coffee date was nice,” Rey offers, albeit stiffly. “I think it will be a good way to re-connect on a regular basis.”

“Yeah,” Ben agrees gruffly.

Dr. Holdo frowns. “I’m sensing some tension and discord between the two of you. Did something happen over this past week?”

“We had sex and it was awful,” he blurts out.

Rey immediately pulls her hand away. “Jesus, Ben, really? I was that terrible?”

“No, that’s not — I don’t mean — ” he sighs. “On a physical level it was — well, amazing seems like a profound understatement — but emotionally I felt like — like you were so distant from me and I just... I feel like you don’t even love me anymore.”

She feels tears prickling in her eyes. “Ben, of _course_ I love you.” She’s not acting when she says this, nor is she acting when tears start to fall down her cheeks.

“What do you think is causing this disconnect? Are you closing yourself off from emotional intimacy, Rey?”

“Well, so is he! He wouldn’t even hold me after, and he was distant the whole time, too.”

“Could it be that it’s been so long since you’ve been intimate that you’ve forgotten how to relate to one another in that way?” Dr. Holdo offers.

“Maybe, I don’t know,” Rey replies.

“Or could it be some things you’ve internalized from your childhood that are making you scared to open up, for fear of being hurt? Ben, I know you mentioned your parents fought a lot and then divorced when you were a teenager, and you blame yourself for the divorce? And Rey, you said you were abandoned as a child? Could those traumas from your past be interfering with your ability to connect now?” 

“I mean...maybe. It’s possible,” Rey mumbles. “My parents didn’t want me and neither did any of the many foster families I was bounced around to. Everyone always leaves me. That’s just a fact of my life. It’s hard to imagine anyone would ever truly want me.”  
  


“And my parents made me feel like I was too much, like I was unlovable. They didn’t want to deal with my anxiety and depression so they sent me away to a special boarding school that was supposed to help me, when really I just needed my mom and dad.”

“That must have been so painful — for both of you. How does it feel to talk about these things?”

“It’s really hard,” Rey admits, “but at the same time it feels kind of a relief to admit it out loud.”

“I feel the same way. Things are better between me and my parents now, but there’s still this kind of lingering wound and insecurity I have from it.”

Rey takes his hand again and squeezes it. “You’re the farthest thing from unlovable, Ben, I hope you know that. And your parents’ divorce _wasn’t_ your fault. You were just a kid who was struggling and needed to be loved.”

“And Rey, I need you to know that I want you, even if that feels impossible for you to believe. You were just a little girl when your parents abandoned you, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, Rey. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve someone who will stay,” he says softly. “And I’m not going anywhere. I hope you can find it within you to believe that.”

“How does it feel to open up to each other about your pasts?”

“It makes me feel closer to her,” Ben replies.

“Yeah, I definitely feel like it brings us closer,” Rey agrees.

“Do you think this is something you could continue to do with one another?”

“I think so,” Rey answers. 

“Me too,” Ben murmurs, placing his hand atop Rey’s. 

Dr. Holdo smiles. “Wonderful. For your homework this week, I’d like you to try to set aside time to be intimate together as you did before, but this time try to focus on your feelings for each other, not just the physical sensations. And if either of you feel the other is being distant, I want you to try to communicate that in the moment and try to work through it together then rather than waiting for your next session to bring that up. I also have a worksheet I’d like you to fill out individually about self-love and self-esteem,” she explains, pulling the worksheets out from her notebook and handing them to Ben and Rey. “The worksheets will also ask you about things you can do to care for yourselves so you can be the best version of yourself for your partner; have you ever heard the saying ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’? Well, it’s true. So I want you both to spend some time thinking about ways you can care for yourselves and build your self esteem. How does that sound?”

“Sounds great,” Rey replies.

“Wonderful.” Holdo smiles and stands up, and Rey and Ben stand up in turn. “I look forward to seeing you next week.”

When they get back out to the parking lot, Rey remarks, “So I guess we’re going to have to have sex again. You know, to continue being convincing.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Ben says quietly, avoiding meeting her eyes. “In fact, I think this whole thing might’ve been a mistake.”

“Wait, what? What are you talking about, Ben?”

“I think next week should be our last session with Dr. Holdo. I think we should still do the self-esteem worksheets because I think they’re a valuable tool, but we shouldn’t have sex again, Rey.”

God, she’d known he didn’t really want her and that having sex with her had been basically a chore for him, but it still hurts to hear it said out loud. 

“No, yeah, you’re right,” Rey replies. “That was a line we never should’ve crossed.” She curses herself for even suggesting it in the first place. But this is probably for the best. It would only hurt her even more deeply to have sex with him again and have to pretend it’s meaningless to her.

“Glad we’re on the same page,” Ben responds curtly. “Have a good week, Rey.”

And with that, he turns away from her and goes to his car. It’s only when he’s finally driven out of view that she lets herself cry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading this story and for all of your kind words about it! I'm so glad you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. This is definitely one of my favorite stories I've ever written. I hope you enjoy this final chapter, and comments and kudos are always tremendously appreciated if you do! <3

When it comes time for Rey to perform her monologue, she doesn’t have to do much acting. It’s not hard for her to understand what it’s like to be heartbroken and having relationship problems anymore, because she’s living it.

Her class gives her a standing ovation, but Rey feels more tears coming on. So she tells the professor she’s suddenly not feeling well and excuses herself. Kaydel follows after her, and finds Rey crying on a bench outside.

“Are you okay, babes?” Kaydel asks as she sits down beside her friend.

Rey sniffs. “No.”

Kaydel frowns, rubbing Rey’s back. “What’s wrong, my love?”

“I’m a fucking idiot.”

“What are you talking about? You’re definitely the farthest thing from an idiot, Rey.”

“No, trust me, I am,” Rey inisists.

“What happened?”

Rey sighs and sits up, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. “The whole fake couples therapy thing was a massive mistake.”

“Why would you say that? Your monologue went amazingly, you obviously learned a lot from it.”

Rey laughs dryly. “My monologue went so well because I wasn’t really acting. My heart is actually pretty fucking broken right now. Because I fell in love with Ben. Like an idiot.”

“Oh, Rey, honey, you’re not an idiot. Falling in love does _not_ make you an idiot,” Kaydel assures her as she continues to rub her back.

“Well, he certainly doesn’t feel the same way for me,” Rey says with a sniff. “He’s made that much clear.”

“How so?”

Rey sighs deeply. “Well, like the absolute fucking dumbass that I am, after our therapist said we need to work on our intimacy issues, I suggested that we have sex — you know, just to be believable. He agreed, but he was so cold and distant, and he left immediately after, and then was cold and distant again after our therapy session and told me he wants our next session to be our last, and that this whole thing was a terrible mistake.”

“Okay, that’s kind of weird that he would agree to have sex with you if he wasn’t at least attracted to you,” Kaydel points out.

“Yeah, well. I obviously disappointed him or something, because he’s made it clear he wants nothing to do with me.”

“Well, if that’s the case, then _he’s_ the dumbass for not seeing how amazing you are.”

Rey smiles half-heartedly. “Thanks, Kay,” she says before pulling her friend in for an embrace. Kaydel squeezes her back tightly.

“I love you and I’m here for you, you know that right, babe?” 

Rey nods. “I do know that. I love you too.”  
  


“Do you wanna go get ice cream with Rose and Jannah?” Kaydel asks as she pulls back from the hug.

  
A smile peeks across Rey’s lips. “That sounds perfect.”

* * *

Rey is quite convinced that being heartbroken might be the single worst feeling in the world. She feels vaguely sick to her stomach and can’t stop crying to Taylor Swift songs. But even so, she has to find a way to get through these last few weeks before graduation and muster enough energy to star in the play this weekend.

The self-esteem worksheet from Dr. Holdo is helpful to this end. The worksheet starts off asking five things she loves about herself. “Strong” is the first thing that comes to mind, because for as shitty as she feels right now, she knows she’s survived worse in her childhood, and she knows that even though he left, she always has the support and love of her friends to fall back on. “Hardworking” comes to mind next, as she continues to study hard for her classes and work hard in rehearsals for the play. And then, of course, there’s “smart”, because despite everything, she’s still earning good grades. She also knows she’s kind and sees the best in people, so she adds those traits, too.

The next part of the worksheet asks her to list things she can do to take care of herself, and she really utilizes this part. Ice cream with friends, bubble baths, listening to music, going for walks; things like this all help her to get through this rocky period of time. She decides she will keep the worksheet as a reminder to herself about her good qualities when she feels down about herself, as well as things to do to make herself feel better.

Opening night arrives that Saturday, and Rey knows she should be excited, but instead she just feels empty. Before Ben ended their arrangement, Rey had planned to invite him to see her show, and knowing the one person she wants there more than anyone won’t be attending makes the whole thing feel a bit hollow.

Even so, she reminds herself that she is talented and strong and she’d worked so hard on this role, so she lets herself step into Katherine’s shoes for the evening, grateful for the chance to be someone else for a while.

The standing ovation at the end doesn’t fill her with as much pride and delight as it usually does though, because of course, something is missing. 

She feels tears stinging in her eyes as she makes her way back to her dressing room. There are several bouquets of flowers waiting for her, as there usually are after she’s starred in a show, usually from her friends and castmates.

But there’s one bouquet in particular that sticks out: two dozen red roses, with a long handwritten note in elegant calligraphic script attached.

_Dear Rey,_

_Break a leg tonight. I’m sure you’ll do amazingly._

_I agonized for days about whether or not to send this note. But even if I know you’ll never feel the same way, I need you to know that I love you. I think you’re the most beautiful, brilliant, talented, strong, kind, incredible woman in the world, and I’ve been hopelessly in love with you ever since we met. That’s why I wanted us to stop seeing Dr. Holdo. Because it broke my heart to keep up that charade when I knew you’d never feel the same way._

_I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable or anything. I just wanted you to know._

_All my love,_

_Ben_

Her hands are shaking and there are tears in her eyes. She can barely process what she’s reading. She still doesn’t understand why he seemed so cold and distant when they were having sex if he loves her so much, but she just knows she needs to find him. Immediately.

He’s waiting just outside by the door when she finds him. He looks devastatingly handsome in a well-tailored black suit and tie. There’s a slight warm breeze, and the crickets are singing softly in the spring air.

“Ben,” she says breathlessly.

“Rey, I’m sorry, I hope the note didn’t make you uncomfortable or anything — ”

“I love you, too.”

His face scrunches up in confusion. “I — but you — I thought — ”

“Ben Solo. I love you so much, and if I had any idea you felt the same way, I would’ve said so sooner.”

His lips flicker into a smile, but then it falters. “I just — when we had sex — you were so distant — ”

“Only because I thought you didn’t love me. And you were distant, too.”  
  


“I thought you just wanted to ‘get it over with.’”

“I only said that because I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“No — God — of course not, Rey. If you had any idea how much it hurt me to hold myself back like that — I just — I really thought it was all just an act for you — ”

Rey smiles, shaking her head. “So _basically_ , we were both idiots.”

Ben chuckles. “You could say that.”  
  


Rey bites down on her lower lip. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Of course, sweetheart,” Ben says softly, cupping her face in his hand and pulling her in until their lips meet in a gentle kiss. “Now, can we go back to your apartment so I can make love to you properly this time?” he murmurs, his lips brushing against the shell of her ear.

  
She smiles, blushing. “That can be arranged.”

* * *

It’s so different this time. His eyes are so full of adoration and longing, and she knows unequivocally this time that it is not an act. He loves her. _He loves her._ He whispers I love yous into her skin as he kisses down along the column of her throat.

“I need you so badly, sweetheart,” he murmurs as he kisses her neck and slowly palms at her breasts under her shirt. “Haven’t been able to stop thinking about how good you taste. I wanted to tell you that, you know. That you taste fucking incredible.”

She moans. “ _Ben_. Fuck.” 

“Will you take off your jeans for me? So I can eat this sweet little pussy of yours?”

She nods furiously and does as he asks as quickly as she can, pulling off her underwear, too.

He smiles. “Good girl. Now take this off too,” he mumbles, tugging at the hem of her t-shirt, and she quickly pulls it over her head, leaving her in just a lacy bralette. He leans in so his lips are brushing against the shell of her ear when he speaks, making her shiver. “Mmm,” he murmurs. “This is so pretty.” He reaches around and unclasps it before gingerly sliding it off her shoulders and letting it fall to the floor. “I think about these perfect little tits all the time. Think about how perfectly they’d fit in my mouth.” He trails kisses down her neck and her chest and finally closes his lips around her breast and sucks, swirling his tongue around her pebbled nipple as he kneads her other breast in his hand. She moans deeply and arches her back as he performs the same ministration on her other breast, his hand slowly moving down lower until it dips between her thighs, one finger tip brushing between her soaking wet labia.

He pulls his lips away from her breast. “Fuck, sweetheart, you’re so wet for me.” He pushes his finger all the way inside of her and she cries out. “God, I can’t wait to be inside this tight, wet cunt. But first— ” He pulls his finger out of her, and there’s a glint in his eyes as he kisses down her belly and then between her legs. Her shoulders rise and fall visibly with the efforts of her labored breaths as she watches his head lower between her legs and the next thing she registers is his tongue gliding between her folds. She all but screams his name, and he moans contentedly against her cunt.

He buries his face in her, licking and sucking with a single-minded focus. She knots her fingers in his hair, rocking her hips against his face, and it doesn’t take long for her to come _hard._ She cries out his name as she moans loudly and he licks at her through her orgasm.

He pulls back and licks his lips, before sitting up and kissing her deeply. “God, you taste incredible. I’ll never get tired of that.”

“Ben,” she murmurs contentedly once she’s caught her breath, “I love you.”

  
A smile pulls at his lips. “I love you too, Rey.”

“You’re wearing too many clothes,” she mutters. He got all dressed up for her show — suit and tie and everything — which was a very sweet gesture, but now she just wants those stupid clothes on the floor.

He chuckles as he shrugs off his suit jacket and undoes his tie before quickly and nimbly unbuttoning his shirt. She watches with parted lips as he lets his shirt fall to the floor, leaving his sculpted chest bare. He unbuckles his belt next and pulls off his pants and then finally his boxers, leaving him naked at long last. His cock is so red and hard and leaking already, and she remembers how perfect it felt inside of her. 

“Fuck,” Ben says suddenly. 

Rey frowns. “What’s wrong, darling?”

“I didn’t bring a condom. I never in my wildest dreams imagined this would ever happen — I told you I loved you because I wanted you to know, I never expected you would feel the same way. So I didn’t exactly come prepared.”

  
Rey chews on her lower lip. “Well, I’m in birth control, so if you’re comfortable with that we, um, we don’t have to use one...”

“Are you sure, Rey?”  
  


She nods. “Yes. I want to feel you come inside of me, Ben, _please_.”

“ _Fuck,_ sweetheart. I want that, too,” he murmurs.

“Need you inside of me now,” Rey pleads. 

He captures her lips in a bruising kiss as he guides his cock to her entrance. She gasps when she feels him nudge inside of her. She feels him slowly easing into her, stretching her out and filling her up.

“Ben,” she breathes out when he’s sheathed all the way inside.

“I know,” he murmurs. He kisses her forehead, the tip of her nose, and both of her cheeks. He slowly starts to move, and she moans. “God, you’re so fucking beautiful, Rey. I wanted to tell you a thousand times when we had sex before, but I felt like I couldn’t. But fuck, sweetheart, you’re _gorgeous_ , and you take me so perfectly in this tight little cunt of yours.”

  
“I love you,” is all she can manage in response to that.

“I love you,” he echoes.

She’s never had sex without a condom before, and there’s something so _intimate_ about having no barrier between them like this. She runs her hands gingerly up and down his back, and then interlaces her hands with his. He makes love to her slowly, tenderly, holding her gaze as he fucks up into her. 

And it’s perfect, but as Rey feels her orgasm building, she needs _more._

She rocks her hips, imploring him to go faster, and he obliges.

“Like that, sweetheart? Is that what you needed?” he pants out. 

“Yes, Ben, yes, just like that, _fuck._ You feel so perfect inside of me. I gonna — _oh_ — ”

“Are you close?” 

She whimpers as she nods. She cries out when she feels his thumb swirling on her clit. And then all at once her orgasm crashes over her. She moans his name and holds his gaze, and he chases her orgasm with his moments later, filling her up with his cum just as he had promised to.

He collapses on top of her for the briefest moment before pulling out of her and rolling over on his back, immediately pulling her with him and holding her close against his chest as he kisses the top of her head and runs his hand through her hair.

“I love you so much,” he says softly.

“I love you, too,” Rey murmurs as she buries her face against his chest. He squeezes her tightly. 

“So, what are we going to tell Dr. Holdo at our last session?” Rey asks after a moment.

“Just that we love each other and we worked out our communication and intimacy issues and we’re finally on the same page. It wouldn’t be a lie.”

She snuggles closer against his chest. “You’re right, it wouldn’t. Can I ask you another question?”

“Anything.”

“Are you my boyfriend now?”

“Yes — well, I mean, if you want me to be.”  
  


“Of course I want you to be my boyfriend, Benjamin.”

“Then it’s settled. I’m your boyfriend.”

She sighs contentedly. “What a weird way to meet someone and fall in love, yeah?”

He chuckles. “It was certainly unconventional. But I think everything worked out exactly as it was meant to.”

Rey smiles. “I think so, too.”


End file.
